omYou find beauty in ordinary things, do not lose this ability

.
Your everlasting patience will be rewarded sooner or later
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout
Pray for what you want, but work for the things you need.
Don’t ask, don’t say. Everything lies in silence.
The time is right to make new friends
Smiling often can make you look and feel younger.

Your life will be happy and peaceful
A single kind word will keep one warm for years
He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.

If you want the rainbow, you must to put up with the rain.
Nature, time and patience are the three best physicians.
Eat something you never tried before.

Make all you can, save all you can, give all you can.
Nothing in the world is accomplished without passion.
Anything you do, do it well. The last thing you want is to be sorry for what you didn’t do.
Love because it is the only true adventure.
The best is yet to come

I wonder sometimes, into the deepening thoughts, “where do we come from and why are we here?”  And, when I ask, I hear the Christians, the Jews, the Hindus and Islams, the Buddhists, and New Agers and all those who believe.  They all have their answer, no matter right or wrong.

And, I still ask!

I still here this still evening staring deeply into a voided sky shimmering with pin drops of white.   It speaks to me in questions as I know I am not alone, looking at this etherical space.  It is empty and full and endless and not.  It speaks to me and I have no clue what it says.  I wonder who are I, who is it and what?  I ask if the Spirits are listening to me.

Then I think about ants…a colony and community.  We as humans watch them with intent.  But do we seriously honor their jobs and creations?  Do we give them are blessings from above?   Do we care for these creatures beyond they insectability?  Do we give them all special gifts?  Do we get to know each individual and give them our graces and gifts?

Are we like the ants to those bigger than us?  Are we the same as to those Spirits?    If we as humans do not appreciate the ant, then why do we feel we are important?

These are questions I ask as I muse upon the sky.  I wonder if the God’s look at me?  And if so do they see me as a community of beings busy with my role on this earth?

So tomorrow I will go and find a little ant and pick it up tenderly.  I will pray and aid and seek to understand this little creatures purpose in his clan.  I will ask its’ name. I will shower it with love.  I will bless it for all that it creates.  I will attempt to understand this little creatures role and give it all that I am.

For if I can not do this, then how can I expect those grander than I to do the same?  It is all reciprocal. It is all a cycle. It is all in how we respond.

And, I look in the sky and wonder still more, why am I that interesting and special. I am one of many doing my work on this world.  Do they really think I am anything more?   With a billion of my kind busy moving around, why am I that important?   Yet, my belief is somehow that I really am…and yet I really can not grasp that at all.

To the Ant!

Open Women

Open Women embraced by the Crone of the Black Madonna

I am present in this moment to how things have changed here in this very special and exquisite land.   And, yet, here I am…still me and still here and still yearning on as us humans tend to do!  And, here is the land, the same as ever.  It is only my mind that has changed.

I landed in this part of the world three and half years ago…and started to dance with this special land three years ago.   My first moments here were intended for a deep soul questing…to reach within and do the shadow work called forth by a deeply suffered experience.   It was annoying.  It was ecstatic.  It deliciously painful.  It was an ongoing process.  The work, the laundry, never ends.

Tonight, I cramp around a little fire in my own space, the faery cottage.  This is my home…my sanctuary..and space to call my home (own)  As I muse,  I am reminded of my first day here…a tent, a pan, a cup and a fire.  The simplicity of the moments were delightful.  It was raw and intense as I sat, no computer or internet, and wrote and wrote and wrote my heart’s callings.   I remember those days, albeit painful, as being overflowing with intensity.  I felt called.  I felt pushed and I felt driven.  I was full of grief and sorrow and anger.   I remember those challenging days with affection.

And, it was the fuel that I started to create.   That is what I do!   I love to create.  I love to make make-shift, pretend, eclectic spaces.  I created with plants, cuttings and roots of plants, rocks and earth.   I created more and more.  I expressed, experienced and exploded.    And,  I loved to share the creation because then you can see it in the eyes of another…and a new experience evolves.

To this day, I have not stopped this work.  I have had highs and lows, intensities and ecstatic orgasms.   I have cried, laughed, lurched into anger and sorrow and felt deeper and deeper levels of love and devotion.  I have been graced and ungrazed.  The latter from humans, one in particular whose suffering was too dark for me.  I loved the ugly, the bad and the insane.  I jumped in and out of projects tearing my body limbs to exhausted bliss.  I fashioned spaces for friends, associates and family.  I cared.  I cared so deeply it hurt.

And, I sit here tonight in wonder.  A little fire lights my night igniting memories and dreams.   I do trust this land.  I trust it perhaps more than anyone at this time.  It draws in and kicks out as it is required.  It does know beyond my human mind, who is to stay and go.  And, while sometimes gentle, sometimes cruel, it intervenes in all the human dealings and makes things as they should be.   I watched elders and youngins collapse into scenes…scenes that tested their sensibilities.  I’ve made friends and enemies and been lifted and dropped.  The humans are actually more challenging.    Visitors came and left like leaves on the wind, some big, some small, some I forget.    It was decided by those more heart intelligent than me that this land was a vortex of sacredness.   I questioned and posed and mused and mosed, what the hell am I doing here?   A question, I suppose, that I could never really answer so I am driven to just dig in and keep going.

The land, to this day, is still dancing with me.  It asks me to stay true to this path.   It may ask me to leave one day in the future, I suppose, but for now, it asks me to stay.   And, stay I do!  Create I do.  Love I do!  I do love this land.   The waves of elements charge me inner being and ask me to dive deeper within.  It sent me away for a time of mentoring, a teaching, study with the wise ones.  It asks me to remember who I really am, but not in the egos fashion.

It is not easy, my friend, to give it all up and live in a space such as this.  Unless of course, you are looking for a free ride, that has been given to some.   They abused and used and sucked as much as they could until the well of living was dry.  It was those that grabbed at life with stealth demands that tested me true deep inside.   Their hammers of ego came rocking down upon my being with such force.  The land said “Leisha, get on with the task and be my voice of demand”.   So sometimes I have been the voice of the land….sometimes this happened with me shaking.  But all in all, the wisdom of this space is totally in control

So, again, tonight I sit and contemplate on the mystery of why I am here.  It is delicious and delirious. It is soft and hard.  It envelopes me in a fold.  I am in love with space beyond my reasoning.  I can not explain the feelings I have.   I am only a human doing the best I can in a space that is really about love.   So, give me the grace and honor of this love for by my self I am not able.  Give me the courage to move on and up and within.  Give me the tests and trials required. Perhaps by thy grace,  I  am worthy of this role.   Give me the wisdom that comes from the suffering so deep so that I can be an inspirer.  I love to be a gumption inspirator, but again, alone I am humbled.    And, if the day arrives that I can not be that, tell me it is time to go.  I will bow my head in deep appreciation and honor this land like my lover

Ode to this beautiful valley!!!

With all my love

Welcome to my heart sharings.   See menus for the most recent posts.
I like to encapsulate my sharings as…..“There is a time in our lives, usually in mid-life, when a woman has to make a decision – possibly the most important psychic decision of her future life – and that is, whether to be bitter or not. Women often come to this in their late thirties or early forties. They are at the point where they are full up to their ears with everything and they’ve “had it” and “the last straw has broken the camel’s back” and they’re “pissed off and pooped out.” Their dreams of their twenties may be lying in a crumple. There may be broken hearts, broken marriages, broken promises.”

Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype

???????????????????????????????Sometimes I find myself enraptured by a vision of greatness and possibility that lies seemingly only  a space and breath away.    Strangely and lately, it has me labeled as critical and insane.  Also, as I wonder at my own sense of sanity, I have been attacked viciously in public for things that are not true.  It was, I think, meant to be a public lashing or court case.   I stayed quiet.  I have felt abused.  AND, I am not saying anyone is an abuser.  I am just telling my story and that I have a right to do.

It has been a sticky situations lately.   At least that is what I have been experiencing.  Couple this with Ia tendency to “feel” very deeply (sometimes, I recognize that what I feel is not my own) and I am in a deep soul lesson by being presented with some awesome yet tricky gifts.

A week ago, I was on the coast here in Ecuador doing some healing from a battle with “the” Dengue.  I took this time to focus on all aspects of my life, my creations, my desires, my direction and my situations.  I feel blessed in so many ways.   However,  many things came up for inspection about decisions and choices I have made in my past!   My focus was on the art and practice of being love.  In fact, I actually entertained returning to a relationship that was abusive and difficult.    One of the things that came out of me was this poem….

it comes down,
at last,
to the dogs…yellow and black
that slumbered on the bed between us,
they still desire to be touched and belly rubbed
that never changed ever
it came from the lack of sunsets we never stopped to watch
the presumption of wrinkles and frowns
the negative test results of transformation
the prescriptions we gave wrote for each other
and I have learnt that the hand needs to touch
touch the heart and hold it tenderly
with the practice of concentration, discipline, patience,
concern and focus
while one is consciously afraid of not being lovable
maybe
they are more afraid of being loved
and the dogs sleep peacefully, faithfully.

In hindsight, this poem was an acknowledgment  of the truth of a situation I did not wish to fully embrace.  I knew it was over.   But, I  obviously still played around with it and wondered and held some hope.   For the past 4 months, I have been squinting into situations that where I was unsure, undecided.  I have held hope.  I have learnt to love at a distance and I have learnt to love even after all the pain and suffering.  Somehow that amounted to “I forgot”.  Takes down the Spiritual concept to “forgive and forget”, at least for me.

My enquiry and attention to this matter has caused some concern with my loved ones.  I, personally. wrote my attention off  as an opportunity to clear some karmic energy.   Maybe that is exactly what it was about!?   There was also a part of me that wanted to believe that people I loved could change.  Now, that is a empowering thought!  But,  those who watched me go through this process, believed this attraction could be a sign of my insanity due to the source of my attraction leading me back again and again to deep suffering  and hurt.    I wonder?  Maybe, I don’t know!  I could be insane.

What I do know today is that if I had said a full  “yes” and things turned out differently, I would most certainly would be re-entering a very disturbing pattern of abuse.  I am baffled as to why I was open when all signs really pointed else where.  I just had some hope, folks!  I am a romantic after all!!!   As I entered this possibility, I found shit out that disturbed me.  Spirit said “NO WAY, Leisha…not again”!   There were lies, hatred daggers and abuse…obvious abuse coming at me.    It all let me know that I actually betrayed myself by believing in something different.

I appreciated the sentiment that maybe I am insane.  But, what is insanity? In this experience, the dark side of my self-expression (the sad, angry and hurt me) was just “feeling”.   The attempts of sharing my feeling-me come from a deep desire and deep determination to share it all.  However, the general and questionable psychosomatic illness that I have been accused of  have caused a wondering ….then comes the  smirking.  I know, if I deny this accusation, I am probably as is accused! I know that when I have accused another, it is absolute denial and anger (rage) that comes out.  Well, folks, that is one test of knowing if it is truth or crap!  So, I looked at it!  And I knew!

I don’t want or need a psychiatrist or a professional trained healer to diagnose and treat me for insanity.  It  really just comes down too I do feel – I just feel too much.    I would certainly go for healing and I am taking huge leaps and bounds in the healing world.   if I felt it was required, I have many awesome people in my life whom are my teachers, guides and decent friends.    But, something in me realizes there is a deep truth in my situation that actually makes me  saner,  wiser than most.  It  comes down too, I suppose, a reality that I do just feel it deeper than most and that offers me hope!

I wrote the above poem is a state of “maybe or maybe not”  regarding a possibility to follow up with a continuing, tentative sense of hope with a past relationship    Funny, because as I was leaning towards a “maybe” and Spirit said “no fucking way”.   Cool! Decision made!   In many ways, it is a relief!

Honestly, I wasn’t certain anyways.   I did not like the lies, the bullshit, the pain and the drama that was wrapped around it.   And, as I started to look at the new information that it wasn’t gonna happen anyways regardless of my dose of hope,  my virgo side rose up. I looked, studied and figured things out.   I thanked Spirit!    And, then I was disgusted with what I discovered.  The situation as it revealed to me, left me cringing.  Somethings are just wrong.    I was not insane, the situation was.   I wanted to spew how much I was disgusted.

But, stop, no puking.   I can thank this experience because this got me thinking… I don’t know where the line is: the line between insanity and extreme sensitivity to the madness of the world and its peoples, to the fleeting  moments, or the impossible inclination we can rise above our egos structure expressed in our  body.  I still have questions about people’s integrity.  I still wonder why some people are just plain phonies in a human body.    I always believed we all can have  our brief connections with the infinite and touch the sufferings others ….we can all can feel for love lost, love never achieved and the decay and deterioration of our desires.  That is being fully human.  Some, I believe can not…it is an act!

For me, being fully human comes down to one line,  “I express”.  Does that make me mad, insane?  When something feels constrictive or contriving or constrained, I express.  I am eager to express.   I don’t know when to shut up expressing.  I call people on their shit.  It causes problems.    Does that mean I am mad or insane? If so, what is the prescription for it?  What is the prescription for feeling too much and expressing?  Tell me?

This need or desire or gift to express is like a magical potion from Spirit that is asking me follow its’ offering open heartedly and with Spirit rising.

It has been a difficult couple of days….and even after it all, I am not quite certain where I am at.   I still love and feel confusion. I am trying on loving a  brother and sister that I do not like.  Usually, I when I suffer I feel it in the depths of my bones.  Lately things are going deeper though.  The Dengue mirrored this…it  eats at the bone marrow.  Truth!     I continue to want to feel it all in the depths and center of my bones. I feel the bitterness, the sweetness, and the lust for myself to be feeling.   I do bear my pain proudly.   I also bear the joy!   There is a point when you let it all hang out…and let it all happen…and people think you have lost it (aka gone insane).  I won’t close my heart or let my blood thicken with hatred suffocation.   I will weep flowing tears.  And, I will let it all come up and out.  I will let myself be in dis.ease so that clearing will become.

Lately, though, it has become CRAZY.  Accusations and hate daggers aimed right at me.    I guess I am left here eating the ashes of something past and still feeling the heat from the fire.   This is when you stop and realize it is only a journey..it is just a journey.  Pain and suffering, as the great ones tell us, is our friend.   We each have our own threshold, but none of us is immune. It warns you when something is wrong.  It causes you to move and motivates.   It opens up the cracks.   It is not an enemy.

You see, I could give you more details and lay it all out bear.  But I am not that kind of person.  I actually do love even after the war and battle.   I do stand to claim myself back after many years of what felt like a prison.  I do intend to recreate, but have no idea what that looks like right now.  And, I am okay.

I was wronged for feeling.  Wronged!   I do not give any apology for this.   I feel things deeply and that translates into knowing things that others do not really wish for me to know.  In my feelings, I mirror to others where they need to do the work.

I don’t think I should apologize for feeling things deeply. I am not sorry for being “too much” for you, because less than “too much” is not enough for me. But I am doing it because I owe myself to the world and Spirit.  So,  if you feel things deeply too, know you are not alone. There’s courage and there’s light in standing up for your darkness, even with shaking knees…in sharing it with others, every day, just like you share your brightest moments. It’s why we make art, it’s why we try to fill these empty screens with pixelated meaning, it is why we create.  It is magic!

My life and my death, inevitable and infinite, they are both me. I am a daughter of this earth and to this earth I shall return. And in between, I travel through this life and document my findings through feelings.

But, after it all,  I would hope that I’m the kind of person that makes you question your own life.

So tell your little broken heart or the heart that beats blackness to clear its throat from all the tears and laughter, and join me in this small and broken song I share….

I declare

I am alone now because I want to be
Lonely, maybe, but chosen strongly
A road many do not wish to take
I am not afraid, insecure or still longing
I will not do it again
The mirrors showed me
My darkness, shadows and light
I am not that crazy, as pointed out
I simply reflects  it all back
I didn’t lose myself in the flames
Or the exorcisms you performed
You ignited them very well
Did you best to destroy
I am sensitive to your darkness
I am what I am
And, that is totally,
Surely, and most definitely
OK
By me
It rained and poured
And I cried with it all
Darkness, Soul, Light
And, in this beautiful mess
I’m not on the other side
And, it is okay by me

It is okay to be me

*Written in the Psych Ward, right before I escaped. 

loveI am certain right now there are many of the would-be healthy minded who feel confused about life, who are not sick but who seek happiness in the wrong places and yearn for deeper understanding of themselves int he midst of breakdowns.  I am in this experience myself and know that the root of this lesson, for me,  is asking me to really, really, really begin to love myself deeper and deeper.

I, personally, have lots of stories around this one.  They range from not-good-enough to a deep fear of other’s disliking me.  The result  is I have wobbly boundaries.   I let people cross them and eventually experience sadness and anger at those who are incapable of being love.

There have been a lot of accusations throw at me of late…..mostly lies and deceitful accusations to harm and hurt me and my relationships with others;  true test of my character.  In understanding of the above statement t I get I am to discover a deeper love for myself and let these daggers float on by.  While I know “the words” are not  true and designed and targeted to hurt/harm me, it still has me feeling (sad, hurt, disappointed, frustrated….just about them all)

It is not all saddness about what is coming at me as it is why I am in this world.  After all I experienced in the past couple of years, did I really feel or think that things would be different   I  have exposed me and my family to human horror.   I am sad!   Yes, I felt sure that, thought, I was taking my time this round, treading carefully.  I was waiting to see if things might be different.  And, I hoped!  My failure came when I did get to a moment, although fleeting, that I forgot the abuse  and pain of the past and decided to go there…….Why?   Well, maybe the answer is looking at the level of love I have for myself  And, if that is lacking, then I also lack in my ability to love others.  Whew!  Tough one!

Love for others and love for ourselves are not alternatives.

In this muse, I realize the opposite too..as the teacher in this lesson is both sides of one coin…that hate for others is hate for ourselves.    Hatred against against another is inseparable from hatred against self, even if on the surface the opposite seems to be the case.  I have had a good deal of hate coming at me.  It is possible as I admitted above because I have not loved myself enough.   And, when hate is being thrown at me, it is a sign that there is self-hatred in the sender.

And while I am musing upon my own love of self, I also see how another is hating of self.   It is a dance that is for sure!   This  reminds me of Narcissus.   It may be recalled,  he was a legendary young man of renowned beauty who turned down the love of the nymph Echo. Such was his callousness that the Gods vowed to punish Narcissus by causing him to fall in love with the reflection of his very own image in the water of a mountain pool. His end was tragic: yearning to embrace the mirror image, he fell into the water and drowned.

The use of power to destroy the spiritual growth of others for the purpose of defending and preserving the integrity of our own selves is sickness. In short, it is scapegoating. A predominant characteristic of the behavior of those I call “sick” is scapegoating.  In their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, they must lash out at any one who does reproach them. They sacrifice others to preserve their self-image of perfection.   Deep down, they feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that when they are in conflict with the world they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world’s fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad.

They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as wrong.  On the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others…Evil, then, is most often committed in order to scapegoat, and the people I label as evil are chronic scapegoaters….The evil attack others instead of facing their own failures.

Well, I have failed…failed in not loving myself enough to realize that dancing

I leave the final words to Carl Sandburg:

There is a place where love begins and a place where love ends.
There is a touch of two hands that foils all dictionaries.
There is a look of eyes fierce as a big Bethlehem open hearth furnace or a little green-fire acetylene torch.
There are single careless bywords portentous as a big bend in the Mississippi River.
Hands, eyes, bywords – out of these love makes battlegrounds and workshops.
There is a pair of shoes love wears and the coming is a mystery.
There is a warning love sends and the cost of it is never written till long afterward.
There are explanations of love in all languages and not one found wiser than this:
There is a place where love begins and a place where love ends – and love asks nothing.

(‘Explanations of Love’)

I am about to embark upon a journey to walk the path of spiritual voices.  This break down is perfect timing, don’t ya think?

The simulation and stimulation of our bodily experience is actually a good one that opens channels for magical experiences. It’s believable, it’s tactile. You can reach out and touch it, move it, be moved by it and feel it. I do this daily….with the magical space I steward and surrender into. I am present to the gift of the earth that grounds us and our energy into reality.

Earth….things around us are solid and our ability to enjoy this simulation is inside our ability to ground our experiences into what we can feel and sen-sate in and with our bodies. Our sensorium possibilities are the doorways to deeper sacred experiences. For me, it is truly being with, touching, feeling, massaging, talking too, and exchanging myself with Nature! I am truly intimate with my little land.

I am coming to understand and practice that all Spiritual practices are centered and resonate out from the body….and how the body moves in and with the physical surroundings. It does not make spiritual ascendance quicker, it actually makes it slower as we become present to our earthly body and tactile relationship with the physical. It is a slow, flow where we manipulate and become manipulated by our surroundings. Being present to this matrix, the mind opens to the sensorium like a prayer, a sacred prayer…realizing that you have a body so deeply rooted in reality and you realize it is a beautiful thing to connect and Spirit opens up and opens up!

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Grandmother with the children

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Magical Forest Path Way

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Nature Homes and new gardens

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Faery Cottage

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Praying Spirit

 

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Hand, Faces and Grandmothers

aaaaaaaa

Magical Entrance

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New outdoor bath tub overshadowed by my first ever papayas grown from seeds my hands set in the groud.  New sleeping dream stations, over grown pathways and randy Turkey Mr Mars!

Today I gave to myself
Through another
The blush of a red rose
And the hippi-notic leaf of patchouli
Although chaos sings songs
I am magic maker
Singing serendipity songs
From another space
another place
Where rivers run backwards
And feathers float up
And Trees roots stand on top
Reveal the eagered secrets
Scenting me sweetly
So I will sing a song
A song of magic!
In the petals of the red rose!

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forgiveIt is almost impossible and totally inadvisable for any one connecting to Nature to hide any true feeling or emotion.   That is what happens here in the Magical Forest.  Layers upon layers upon layers of healing rises and requests attention, action and change.   One can not really hide from oneself when connecting with the Mother’s love intimately.

I suppose it is time for me to admit, I am still experiencing deep hurt…and the healing is called to the forefront for one, all and many.  It is not just the healing from this time around…it expends itself back and back and back seeping into memories of pasts gone by.  This is not just my work, the land tells me!  This is the destiny of many women (specially but not only as it could be men too who are embracing their feminine spirit). The DNA reaches far tendrils of grief and suffering and sadness.

I sit with myself here..naked and vulnerable to my inner being and realize I am fully aware of all that is evolving…echoing and being called forth.  Yet, it is hard bloody work, she exclaims with sunken shoulders!

Is self forgiveness my next step?   Perhaps!   I allow this experience to enter me…be a part of me.  I have been holding on to a hope the past could have been different.  Nature asks me to portion out large doses of self-forgiveness for the “self” needs to enter the court of transformational play to open to new wonderful experiences that await patiently.

I had an opportunity today to share my recent heart break story with a local Ecuadorian friend and community brother.   Locals are private people and I respected him enough to wait for his questions.  He asked me if I felt my ex-partner was a good man.  He hinted he did not understand what had transpired when the relationship broke down.  It was messy!   He loved me and asked why..what happened?.  The scene and scenario of the break-up was a strange, to say the least.  It was not necessarily my doing yet, I am fully responsible.  In fact, honestly, I begged for a different outcome.  Yet, all in all, it was a scene of Gringo’s doing what they felt was for the best and the highest good of all.   Sometimes you just surrender!

In answer to his “good man” question, I offered a “yes, he is a good man in many ways yet, it was unworkable and very damaging to continue as we were.”   This led me to share more … an opportunity to open my self …about previous heart aches with my ex husband of many years.

As I was sharing, I  was honest enough with myself and my Ecuadorian brother that I have had to delve into and stay with the memory of the negative in a self attempt  to keep me stable and in healing…so I apologized if my steps to healing had been confusing.  It is actually a very tragic story and as he listened, I believe he understood and felt tremendous compassion.  This opened a door for me!

I rewind a bit….last week, still wondering why I was experiencing a connection to this latest ex, I confided with a respected friend sharing how I still felt the hurt and connection.   She counselled me about spiritual chords and etherical connections to characters in our life experience.   The karma is strong…very strong.  I am fully aware of the feeling of these chords that somehow energetically bind and wrap you.  I continue to this day to know within what is “happening energetically” for this person…and I am totally at odds with the feelings it swells.  “Send them back,” she said.  “Send them back and send him love”.

This is the art of compassion.   This is the art I am called into practicing.

I am still juggling the diverging emotions fully aware of the cognitive dissonance that has wrapped its’ wires around my feelings, thoughts and heart.   How can you dislke and be repulsed and be totally knowing it is love at the same time?    How can I hold compassion when I must remember the dark in order to hold a sense of sanity?

Next step…stepping stones to the calm waters….I asked myself “am I in love with the dream or the dreamer?”  How can I dislodge myself from the dreamer whose actions and presence were instrumental in creating the dream and whose actions also became an energy suck of the dream too?”

FORGIVENESS!

When we undertake the practice of forgiveness we find a portal to grace. A window to acceptance. We find at the core of every heartbreak, every betrayal, every event that we feel victimized by, every person we feel has harmed us, and every person we feel we may have harmed, that what we truly have been seeking is forgiveness of ourselves.

In times of sadness, deep grace, anger, happiness, gratitude and confusion it is helpful to incorporate forgiveness.   Being raised with the concept and act of the confessional box has been a real thorn to understanding forgiveness.   It is not a box neatly trimmed with prayer, penance, priest and God.  In fact, it is the Goddess Mother energy that brings us the gift of forgiveness.

This energy is the oil that runs the machine of our hearts. When the doors of the heart rage and threaten to close it is us who suffer and not who we feel is the just-full target of whatever has happened. Forgiveness stokes the flames of beauty that live within our hearts.

So, with a tear of truth and a trust that love is calling me, I deeply enter into forgiveness of self and another.

As Jack Kornfield says: “Forgiveness makes our hearts grow sweeter.” and for this, I create a sweetness within myself.

A Buddhist Prayer of Forgiveness

If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly
through my own confusions I ask their forgiveness.

If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly
through their own confusions I forgive them.

And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive
I forgive myself for that.

For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself,
judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions
I forgive myself.

firefliesEvery night, all year round, fire flies grace me with their glistening lights bringing the night stars to the Earth space and dazzling me with light songs. I called them too me because I know their magic is a medicine flash for their desire so strong.   I watch them nightly much like a prayer.   A fireflies magic illuminates the forest nights. During the day, they are actually quite an ordinary bug and of course, at night, they are like faeries. So, of course, I imagine, they symbolize inspiration, hope and guidance.  Of course, what else could they represent!  Their beautiful singing signs in their strands of light although complete darkness is all around…. inspiration, hope an guidance flash on.   And it’s true that when you’re walking here in the night of the Magical Forest a natural reflex hones to follow the lights, because it is fascinating, inspiring, illuminating.

Fireflies are fascinating little creatures that beckon me nightly…lighting up my tree house and carrying me into my dreams.   My ode to fireflies!

Fire fly, come sit with me
And sing me your song of light
Bring me the night sky
Lights flashing your sultry sounds
Tell me your secrets rippling, pressing towards me
Tell me your secrets, so sultry and small
Where you play you desires fully
I see you, fire fly, winking at me
Prancing flashing sexy smiles
Fire fly weaving a bend of light
Inches apart clearing greetings around
You ripple in and press the switch
And press and press and press
More naked than naked
Such extravagant glistening
Waves of craving and probes of desire
Gazing with whatever awareness
Fire flies gaze with me
Near and far
Touching me or not it doesn’t seem to matter
Feeling the sight white light
Sheering strands of soft space
Binding my iridescent soul
And shimmering with magic
That is, perhaps, love defined

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