Sometimes I find myself enraptured by a vision of greatness and possibility that lies seemingly only a space and breath away. Strangely and lately, it has me labeled as critical and insane. Also, as I wonder at my own sense of sanity, I have been attacked viciously in public for things that are not true. It was, I think, meant to be a public lashing or court case. I stayed quiet. I have felt abused. AND, I am not saying anyone is an abuser. I am just telling my story and that I have a right to do.
It has been a sticky situations lately. At least that is what I have been experiencing. Couple this with Ia tendency to “feel” very deeply (sometimes, I recognize that what I feel is not my own) and I am in a deep soul lesson by being presented with some awesome yet tricky gifts.
A week ago, I was on the coast here in Ecuador doing some healing from a battle with “the” Dengue. I took this time to focus on all aspects of my life, my creations, my desires, my direction and my situations. I feel blessed in so many ways. However, many things came up for inspection about decisions and choices I have made in my past! My focus was on the art and practice of being love. In fact, I actually entertained returning to a relationship that was abusive and difficult. One of the things that came out of me was this poem….
it comes down,
to the dogs…yellow and black
that slumbered on the bed between us,
they still desire to be touched and belly rubbed
that never changed ever
it came from the lack of sunsets we never stopped to watch
the presumption of wrinkles and frowns
the negative test results of transformation
the prescriptions we gave wrote for each other
and I have learnt that the hand needs to touch
touch the heart and hold it tenderly
with the practice of concentration, discipline, patience,
concern and focus
while one is consciously afraid of not being lovable
they are more afraid of being loved
and the dogs sleep peacefully, faithfully.
In hindsight, this poem was an acknowledgment of the truth of a situation I did not wish to fully embrace. I knew it was over. But, I obviously still played around with it and wondered and held some hope. For the past 4 months, I have been squinting into situations that where I was unsure, undecided. I have held hope. I have learnt to love at a distance and I have learnt to love even after all the pain and suffering. Somehow that amounted to “I forgot”. Takes down the Spiritual concept to “forgive and forget”, at least for me.
My enquiry and attention to this matter has caused some concern with my loved ones. I, personally. wrote my attention off as an opportunity to clear some karmic energy. Maybe that is exactly what it was about!? There was also a part of me that wanted to believe that people I loved could change. Now, that is a empowering thought! But, those who watched me go through this process, believed this attraction could be a sign of my insanity due to the source of my attraction leading me back again and again to deep suffering and hurt. I wonder? Maybe, I don’t know! I could be insane.
What I do know today is that if I had said a full “yes” and things turned out differently, I would most certainly would be re-entering a very disturbing pattern of abuse. I am baffled as to why I was open when all signs really pointed else where. I just had some hope, folks! I am a romantic after all!!! As I entered this possibility, I found shit out that disturbed me. Spirit said “NO WAY, Leisha…not again”! There were lies, hatred daggers and abuse…obvious abuse coming at me. It all let me know that I actually betrayed myself by believing in something different.
I appreciated the sentiment that maybe I am insane. But, what is insanity? In this experience, the dark side of my self-expression (the sad, angry and hurt me) was just “feeling”. The attempts of sharing my feeling-me come from a deep desire and deep determination to share it all. However, the general and questionable psychosomatic illness that I have been accused of have caused a wondering ….then comes the smirking. I know, if I deny this accusation, I am probably as is accused! I know that when I have accused another, it is absolute denial and anger (rage) that comes out. Well, folks, that is one test of knowing if it is truth or crap! So, I looked at it! And I knew!
I don’t want or need a psychiatrist or a professional trained healer to diagnose and treat me for insanity. It really just comes down too I do feel – I just feel too much. I would certainly go for healing and I am taking huge leaps and bounds in the healing world. if I felt it was required, I have many awesome people in my life whom are my teachers, guides and decent friends. But, something in me realizes there is a deep truth in my situation that actually makes me saner, wiser than most. It comes down too, I suppose, a reality that I do just feel it deeper than most and that offers me hope!
I wrote the above poem is a state of “maybe or maybe not” regarding a possibility to follow up with a continuing, tentative sense of hope with a past relationship Funny, because as I was leaning towards a “maybe” and Spirit said “no fucking way”. Cool! Decision made! In many ways, it is a relief!
Honestly, I wasn’t certain anyways. I did not like the lies, the bullshit, the pain and the drama that was wrapped around it. And, as I started to look at the new information that it wasn’t gonna happen anyways regardless of my dose of hope, my virgo side rose up. I looked, studied and figured things out. I thanked Spirit! And, then I was disgusted with what I discovered. The situation as it revealed to me, left me cringing. Somethings are just wrong. I was not insane, the situation was. I wanted to spew how much I was disgusted.
But, stop, no puking. I can thank this experience because this got me thinking… I don’t know where the line is: the line between insanity and extreme sensitivity to the madness of the world and its peoples, to the fleeting moments, or the impossible inclination we can rise above our egos structure expressed in our body. I still have questions about people’s integrity. I still wonder why some people are just plain phonies in a human body. I always believed we all can have our brief connections with the infinite and touch the sufferings others ….we can all can feel for love lost, love never achieved and the decay and deterioration of our desires. That is being fully human. Some, I believe can not…it is an act!
For me, being fully human comes down to one line, “I express”. Does that make me mad, insane? When something feels constrictive or contriving or constrained, I express. I am eager to express. I don’t know when to shut up expressing. I call people on their shit. It causes problems. Does that mean I am mad or insane? If so, what is the prescription for it? What is the prescription for feeling too much and expressing? Tell me?
This need or desire or gift to express is like a magical potion from Spirit that is asking me follow its’ offering open heartedly and with Spirit rising.
It has been a difficult couple of days….and even after it all, I am not quite certain where I am at. I still love and feel confusion. I am trying on loving a brother and sister that I do not like. Usually, I when I suffer I feel it in the depths of my bones. Lately things are going deeper though. The Dengue mirrored this…it eats at the bone marrow. Truth! I continue to want to feel it all in the depths and center of my bones. I feel the bitterness, the sweetness, and the lust for myself to be feeling. I do bear my pain proudly. I also bear the joy! There is a point when you let it all hang out…and let it all happen…and people think you have lost it (aka gone insane). I won’t close my heart or let my blood thicken with hatred suffocation. I will weep flowing tears. And, I will let it all come up and out. I will let myself be in dis.ease so that clearing will become.
Lately, though, it has become CRAZY. Accusations and hate daggers aimed right at me. I guess I am left here eating the ashes of something past and still feeling the heat from the fire. This is when you stop and realize it is only a journey..it is just a journey. Pain and suffering, as the great ones tell us, is our friend. We each have our own threshold, but none of us is immune. It warns you when something is wrong. It causes you to move and motivates. It opens up the cracks. It is not an enemy.
You see, I could give you more details and lay it all out bear. But I am not that kind of person. I actually do love even after the war and battle. I do stand to claim myself back after many years of what felt like a prison. I do intend to recreate, but have no idea what that looks like right now. And, I am okay.
I was wronged for feeling. Wronged! I do not give any apology for this. I feel things deeply and that translates into knowing things that others do not really wish for me to know. In my feelings, I mirror to others where they need to do the work.
I don’t think I should apologize for feeling things deeply. I am not sorry for being “too much” for you, because less than “too much” is not enough for me. But I am doing it because I owe myself to the world and Spirit. So, if you feel things deeply too, know you are not alone. There’s courage and there’s light in standing up for your darkness, even with shaking knees…in sharing it with others, every day, just like you share your brightest moments. It’s why we make art, it’s why we try to fill these empty screens with pixelated meaning, it is why we create. It is magic!
My life and my death, inevitable and infinite, they are both me. I am a daughter of this earth and to this earth I shall return. And in between, I travel through this life and document my findings through feelings.
But, after it all, I would hope that I’m the kind of person that makes you question your own life.
So tell your little broken heart or the heart that beats blackness to clear its throat from all the tears and laughter, and join me in this small and broken song I share….
I am alone now because I want to be
Lonely, maybe, but chosen strongly
A road many do not wish to take
I am not afraid, insecure or still longing
I will not do it again
The mirrors showed me
My darkness, shadows and light
I am not that crazy, as pointed out
I simply reflects it all back
I didn’t lose myself in the flames
Or the exorcisms you performed
You ignited them very well
Did you best to destroy
I am sensitive to your darkness
I am what I am
And, that is totally,
Surely, and most definitely
It rained and poured
And I cried with it all
Darkness, Soul, Light
And, in this beautiful mess
I’m not on the other side
And, it is okay by me
It is okay to be me
*Written in the Psych Ward, right before I escaped.